unpredictable journal

31 May 2005

Yes, everything was my fault, satisfied?

Guess today was the day that I was so mad mad mad! Guess recently gets hot-tempered every easily, I wonders why am I like this.

If I'm not wrong, think it was after lunch that Ah Fang's called me to do stage 2 of the line and I was doing half way of particians. So I went over... everything seems fine but who knows that Soe cried because of something that I've said.

Sarinah: "A, what did you said to Soe? Why is she crying?"

Me: "Huh nothing? I told me her to do slowly cuz no point doing fast but behind no place to put. And also her tummy pain, and I ask her no need to rush, do in moderate speed can already."

Sarinah:" But why is she crying?"

Me:"Please lah, ... .... ... " (Opps can't remember what I said le, but I was really gets annoyed by her)

And so through out the whole day after the second break, I don't even talk or smile at both of them. Sigh... even Jenny's aunt is aware about it. Well, because she cried, everyone seems like blaming me or whatsoever reason. Sigh... I really feels like resigning but I can't cuz I'm really in needs of money.

I don't deny... that no ones understand us better than ourselves. Which I've been thinking that it's the other way round, but guess I'm wrong. We understand ourselves better instead of other people... oh well, not even my mom understands me. Sigh...

Everyone of us believe that Soe is over-sensitive and there's some misunderstandings in between us. But I really cannot stands when people was like accusing me you know?

Sigh... my heart breaks into pieces when Sarinah sis was using that harsh tone to talk to me. Haix... Hasnah also asked but at least... she ask if she's talking about other thing. Oh well... I'm a stupid fool, being kind also being accused... so sad...

And mom... when I reached the house door steps, she was like nagging at me. Saying that I bought the Hello Panda Chocolate Snack for Pearlyn and now she's sick with fever and blaming me for that. Oh well... see... being nice also being blamed for something, oh well... I'm tired of living here... frankly speaking... I rather die does any one knows?

I've so many problems... but no ones ever showed their concern to me. Except 1 or 2... guys friends.... but they seldom helps too... but is okay for me. At least... there's this some time in my life... when I've problem... althought I don't share, but at least they bother to ask if I'm okay, is already enough for me. And that's eventually makes me feels better...

I know cries can't solve problems... but everything I'm feeling so lost, there's no other things that I can do but to cry till my eyes swollen and sleep. For sure, the next day I'll feels better.

Sigh...

I hope I'll luv myself more

18:25

29 May 2005

Skipped my combine practice this morning, just praying hard that the in-charge won't call me up, please! I'm in no mood to practice now...

More about my NKF checkup, BMI (Body Mass Index), Waist Hip Ratio, Random Blood Total Cholesterol and Random Blood Glucose are all okay. Body Fat Analysis 2% more, so no choice but 've to do exercise... Muhahaha... then Blood Pressure 99/61 (Normal Range should be <130,>

*Presence of glucose, protein and/or blood could indicate possibilities of diabetes mellitus, kidney problems or urinary tract infections. High levels of ketone may suggest a state of dehydration. This is more concerning if accompanied by a low pH in a person who has diabetes.

One thing good, and one thing glad that I've taken this check up was, my results was totally a big different with my both my parents. Dad's has high blood pressure whereas mom's has high cholesterol, 240 which is extremely high... sigh... doctor advise her to had her second blood test taken on some where around Apr but she didn't go... cuz no ones can bring her as everyone has to work. Sigh... perhaps, this year the NKF might be coming to GP again, then that's when she can 've her check up again.

The last pay that I've taken, I didn't bank it in, cuz thought mom really wants the $200, but who knows that she's kidding with me, sigh... nothing fun at all. And so now, I had been making some purchasing using ATM card and also using my pay to buy something. Sigh... that's why everytime I work, there's still no saving in the end.

There's one colleague of mine, she took a look at my right plam and said a lot of things about me. Well, majority that she predicted was accurate just a minorities weren't that correct. One thing that just can't make me don't believe her was that, my father had ever striked $20,000 of 4Ds before when I haven't born out yet. And so, when she told me about it, I didn't really quite believe her but I really checked out with everyone at home and they yes, dad had ever striked that before. Wow... it was likes so amazing.

Other than that, she did predict that I had family problems and actually there's one good girl friend who has always been there for me. Oh well, I just can't figure out who. Haha... this year my loves is very strong but there's this one guy, who has a girlfriend already yet wanna tackle me, so her advise was to be more careful. Red and green shirts advised not to wear, wear more blue colour shirt as I lack of water. Studies wise, okay... study smart and not hard, that's what she said. Haha... Sis 've many problems but mom's just loves to nag at her, she don't say out and keep into herself. Guess that's all she predicted? Hm... told mom's about it, she quite interested in her... I mean she also wanna my colleague to predict for her... haha... oh yah... one thing damn true was, my mom this whole life fated to be worrying about her childs even dinner she also worry about. And one last thing, I'm actually very reasonable, won't shows anger without good reasons, so friend please, don't everytime says that I'm unreasonable k? And one thing good about me, family problems, usually I don't give a damn care about it. Perhaps, last time yes, but not definitely not now, cuz I've already become numb...

Yesterday I cried during work, sigh... just find it so unfair. Supposely I'm working with Jojo sis at the first stage, folding the boxes but after break, Sama told me change with Lynn and so I was alone at the third stage. I knew and I'm aware that Hasnah is trying to help me, by not letting those boxes jam at my side, but when it starts to jam, Hasnah asked me what happened, then I was like very furious already lor, then go to toilet and Jenny aunt saw me so unhappy asked me why, then I told her that Sama and Ah Fang bloody hell, put me alone over that side... it was like one person doing two persons job. Sianz! Then go toilet my tears dropped and Sama came in to talk to me, asking me what happen. I told her off that I don't like the way they do things, actually I don't wanna say that cuz she was terrible sick yesterday, both her eyes were very red in the morning.

Sometimes, I feels that they are taking advantages of my efficiency. They think that I'm fast and so I could cope with it alone. Well, it's okay if the other line 've two persons working, but eventually, they had 3 persons (CWT girl, new comer, Sama and sometimes Ah Fang also helped them to do). Both line are running the same things, but why they had 4 persons at stage 3 but me only I alone doing all those things? Isn't that unfair? And that's also why I started to cry...

I really wanted to help Sama to meet the target everyday, no matter where I'm working. Running line or doing particians, both I'll try to put in all my efforts to do it fast for her.

Sigh... later or next time then I continue my story...

I hope I'll luv myself more

10:49

27 May 2005

I'm so confused and contradicting...

My colleague took a look at my right palm this morning and she told me lotta things that I've to believe her, she was just so accurate!

Ever since that day my second brother fell off from bike, my mom's has been crying everyday, worrying about him, that he might commit suicide. Mom, gods has everything arranged for us, time is ripped, then that's too bad.

Sometimes, I've been wondering, it would be nice w/o these two elder brothers of mine. It's the best thing for them to exit, since their presence always makes mom so worried sick for them yet they do not know.

I really wanted to cry out, cuz it actually makes me feels better, but some how, I've no more tears to shed even though mom's crying right in front of me, saying that she's so scared, so afraid that some thing might happens to my brother.

Dear Jesue god, would you please help me? Can you please give me some advise? Who? Who is my good friend? Can you please let me know? Please... I'm so contradicting that who I should seek help from... it has been a zillion times that I'm scrolling down my phone book.

Who's there for me? Who should I approach? Who can I go to and who can I trust?

I'm no longer a human, I had no feelings for everything now.

Beach... is where I feels like going now...

Does anyone knows how much it hurts me to see my mom's crying... *cried*

I hope I'll luv myself more

23:44

26 May 2005

It was such a nice, breezy morning and I was being awaked by dad's voice. It was a phone call from my brother's friend saying that he was admitted to Alexandra Hospital after falling off from bike.

Even though I was half awaked, I don't feel anything and don't even bother to find out how extactly this unpleasant thing happened to my brother, I'm just so tired and tried hard to go back sleep again.

Guess mom was used to all these things already, and perhaps, me too. Everyone of us was very calm, as if nothings happened.

He should count himself lucky as he's still alive. Just some minor scars, 10 sews on his face.

He has been touching those stuffs ever since he broke off with his gf. Despise how many

times my sis try to talk him round, he's still like this no matter whether at home or at work.

What can I do? God, please tell me... what can I do to help my brother to be a normal person?

Now dad's worrying about his hospital bills... sigh...

Apart from this, I had many other things to do... maybe not to do, just get it settled.

Tomorrow going for syco combine practice, concert is coming round the corner, wondering should I participate in it or not, since I haven't been sitting down peacefully to practice my cello for months... and guess my skills are stagnanting...

Comic bought but couldn't 've the time to read... sigh...

Preparation for the upcoming concert haven't fully prepared... haix... so many things pending for my actions...

Still wondering which day should I resign... still thinking... any good advise?

I hope I'll luv myself more

23:15

25 May 2005

So long didn't update, sia la... detest myself. Haha... kidding lah...

Recently had been busying earning the OT pay... even thought is only a little. But when cumulated up, it will be quite a lot, so don't belittle on it...

Guess I'm having Hong Kong Legs... smelly sia after washing with soap... haix... how? Was it because that time I laught at Hasnah? Haix... sianz 1/2...

Today supposely 've syco practice, and Ji's sort of giving me warning yesterday that I today die die also must go. I had been sending lots of sms seeking advises from friends and in the end, I still called him to seek his permission. And he told me if I really so wished to work Ot, then by all means...

I was so shocked that he said that... haha... of course I'm happy lah... but hor... why say that I've financial problems when I don't? Is it wrong or is it called having financial difficulties when I want to buy my assignments bks using my own money? Wahaha... he makes me nuts sia...

I'm so so so regret to give him my hp no... sianz 1/2... keep sms... keep calling to disturb me only. Thinking of ways to get rid of him... not only me don't like him... everyone including Sama also blood boils when asking him to do something... haix...

Today had my check up... erm... everything's good just that my blood pressure is a little too low as compare to the normal one and u**** got protein which is not good... haix... also don't know what to do... had to do another check up again.

Erm... da bei da bei (means that's about all in mymia)

I hope I'll luv myself more

22:59

21 May 2005

Overslept this morning again, sigh... it was my third time taking cab to work, sigh.

Hasnah, was a damn bitchy! I saw her true colour...!!! Today after work, was raining cats and dogs. Guess was Ah Fang's hubby came to fetch her home and she asked me to take her car, but Hasnah was on Soe lorry already. Then she told me don't take, sigh... then I climb up to Soe's lorry. (Mind u ppl, raining cats and dogs how to sit lorry? No shelther ley... !!!) Then end up, when Hasnah saw Mint went in to Fang's car, she jumped down from the lorry and take the car, sia la... then Amy, ChrisTH (Chirstopher) and I took the lorry to JP.

Amy and Chris was using the umbrella and I didn't cuz there isn't any more umbrella for me. Haha... I was kinda glad, cuz Amy's umbrella almost flew away and that remind me about myself when was heading back to home from school. Haha... so funny sia. Haha... and in the end, both of them closed the umbrella. Haix...

Anyway, Chris was from FILIPIN... haix... Sama was so mad with him today, the way he do things were so unorgansied. Haix... usu, guys are like this rite? Well, not only unorgansied, he was slow too... but one thing good about him, he's capable of working not like some young ladies... couple of them worked one full day and didn't show up the next day le...

So funny sia... they way he talk... most of the time, I don't understand what he (Chris) was talking about. Sometimes, I'm wondering was he speaking english, chinese or his FILIPIN language? Haha... so today when I saw him talking to Rain (Rainbow, Cai Hong) and she seems to understand him sia. Wow... peifu... haha...

I hope I'll luv myself more

20:22

Conflict, conflict, conflict...

Sometimes I find human beings are so funny. They complaints there's no overtime (OT) to do and they complaints there're so many overtime(s) (OTs) to work.

This whole week we had been working OTs... haha... guess those who worked everyday, they must 've earned quite a lot than the rest of us.

Many things happened in the factory when Ah Fang help out at CWT. So many conflicts... and today finally I saw each an individual of their true colour and that including mine. I had been deceiving myself too... why?

Conflict between Ah Yuk and Ah Hui aunty. Ah Yuk was a very nice person actually but she always like to do things fast as if she was getting double pay, so fast that it jams all the time. And so Ah Hui was like so furious, but one thing good was that, Ah Hui also can catch up with her, she can do it fast too, but the problem lies with the people at the back, which is me.

Well, I can do it fast too, but robots, machines do gets spoilt after constantly of excess doing right? So human beings too, I'm sick with flu, cough... I tired to do it fast, but after the second tea break, I had no more energy to do it fast already. So I stacked each box after one another, it was so high... haha... by the way, I purposely stack it high high one, cuz wanna let Sama see what she've done...

Normal working hours, we don't even 've enough ppl to run 2 lines but today working OT, more worse... 8 persons running 2 lines... possible? There're 4 stages in each line.

Sama... I don't deny that I don't admire the way she do things... she's creative, she used her brain to think and she do things fast. So the second line, she does 2 persons job. Yes, she's capable to do that, but defintely not us k! She belongs to the company, but we belongs to contract, the company can terminate us as and when they like. But for the time being, doubt so, cuz they wanna recruit 4 more ppls. Wahaha... serve em rite, who asked em to retrench so many ppl that time...

Haix... Lynn, Mint, and Ah Hui's each played their own character in the conflict but Hasnah and I played two roles. Sianz... why... ? Why am I so bitchy? Who am I siding at? Ah Yuk vs Ah Hui... Frankly speaking, I don't detest anyone of 'em. I just don't like the way Ah Yuk do things, which Ah Hui also don't like and other ppl too. Now everyone was like detest Yuk's so much and they thought me too. Haix... I'm not... I don't wanna detest anyone. But why am I talking behind her back? Erm... or am I just complaining? Sigh... why am I like this?

Why? Oh dear... the people I can really trust now was Ah Fang, Jenny aunt, Soe and Sarinah sis. Shit... so headaching...

I hope I'll luv myself more

19:58

16 May 2005

So sad

I was given an access card to go in and out of our workplace. And there're some digits on this card, 22222 21482... not very sure whether is Thurs or Fri Amy was asking me outside the ladies what was my card no, I told her 21482 and she repeated, 1482... and guess what? Saturday 4D first prize: 1482. Sia la... I so stupid... so useless and so dumb... didn't ask my mom to buy. Haix... I told my mom about it today... that many collegues asked if I striked the 4D on Sat. Haix... If mom knows about it, she'll definitely bet $5 and first prize gonna be $10,000 and she'd buy me a lappy and a cello maybe a mp3 or handphone too. Haix...

Sarinah was like so touched today when I passed her the gift that I bought for her. Haha... funny sia...

Haix... if I strike the 4D on Sat, I'll resign on today... and I'll buy everything in my wishlist... haix... sad sia...

I hope I'll luv myself more

22:51

15 May 2005

On cloud nine

It was such a lovely warm sunday morning that my niece woke me up. It had been a long time since our family reunion like yesterday's evening. Although everyone was not gathering together, but the four of us are together the whole evening. Sis stayed over here last night since her hubby was busying with work and second kor worked night shift. Haha...

This afternoon went out with Gina, haha... shopping for Sarinah's belated birthday presents and also ends up spoiling myself a bit and I spent nearly 100 bucks today! Wow... I've to work for 3 days sia...

Below are a list of what I've bought today:

One pair of 925 sliver ear studs for my nose - $4

A birthday card for Sarinah - $3.90

A short sleeve giordano shirt for Sarinah - $14

2 Giordana Polo Tee for myself - $35

1 Lip liner for myself (Guess my friend took the wrong one for me, haix... nvm) - $6.90

2 pairs of ELLE ACTIVE socks - $13.80

Sara Lee Choco Swirl Pound Cake - $3.95

Milo (6 packets) - $2.95

KFC Zinger Meal - $5.95

Gastic medicine - $2.05

Grand Total - $92.50

Supposely recently was too lazy to keep track of my daily expenses and guess this week I need not to keep track le, guess only one day I'd spent $92.50 is enough le. Haix... guess this month gonna be the highest expenses month throughout the whole of this year. Sianz...

Still 've to give mom, dad... and pay for mom's medicines and niece birthday coming. Friends birthday coming too... haix... don't know 've the money to buy or not. Haha... but definitely I'm going to buy for him... wallet or shirt better?

Btw, is late now. Haven't had my wash up, haven't pack my bag. Lots of things are pending for my actions sia. Haha... oh yah... Sarinah birthday card haven't write yet... sia la... going off now...

I hope I'll luv myself more

23:49

Was watching "Top Fun" repeated episode this afternoon and I was nearly late for performance! Haha... too engrossed into the show.

This evening performance was the most boring performance that I had ever attended. It rains when we're about to come to an end of today's performance and guess I was the first one to stand up during the performance. Sia la, cello caught under the rain man! Where can, cello will fall sick sia. Haix... so end up they also didn't perform the whole song. Haha...

Thought of wanting to 've an hair cut after performance, but who knows that it ends at around 10pm. Wow... so late sia... tired.

Checked out The Sims 2 University. Haha... it was an expansion pack to The Sims 2... it might cost me around $45... for original CDs... it might only k? Tomorrow I'll check it out since I'm getting Sarinah her birthday gift.

Wondering what should I buy for her. Haha... maybe not buying too. Well, it depends lah...

Haix... actually wanna play The Sims 2 de, but guess I'm tired already. Gonna catch some sleep.

Oh ya... maybe I'll want to work till 17 June (Fri) since I 20 June (Mon) my school terms resume. Told mom about it and she wasn't happy about it, cuz she wanted me to 've enough rest and preparation before sch resume. Haix... whatever it's, staying at home was damn bored, so why not work for another day to earn more money? Guess I"ve to pay for the class fund myself again... haix...

More and more things I wanted... check it out my wish list. Wahaha... is floated...!

That's about all... selamat malam...

I hope I'll luv myself more

01:07

13 May 2005

Conflict between Ah Yuk and Lynn

After the second tea break, I heard Lynn was scolding someone, but don't know who. Cuz I was at the other side running the new line.

Ak yuk was an indonesia chinese girl (Yi Ni Wa Qiao), she was doing the stage one of the line, folding the box with another new comer aunty.

Lynn was so kind to help Ah Hui aunty out in the second stage and by right, Ah Yuk should be thankful to her. But a vice versa, she told Lynn not to help out, cuz if Joo saw that the table was empty, she will be the first to be scolded. Then Lynn was like WTF... scolded her back.

Sigh... Ah Yuk just told me this morning about yesterday Hasnah was scolding her this morning. And I could tell that both of her eyes were red. Sia la... I keep quiet only, I know she's nice but hte way she do thing was like *speechless* haix...

I hope I'll luv myself more

21:18

Some thoughts

Today I slept until 7:03Am when elder kor came into my room and wakes me up. Shit man, why didn't he wake me up earlier? Went to the washroom to 've a quick wash up and then I was like throwing tantrum towards ghost! Muhaha... I was so angry, angry with mom that she didn't wake me up, but she woke up later than me. When I was making all noise that woke her up. I don't know why, why am I like this? Always showing that fucking attitude towards my parents. Haix... I gets annoyed, irritated, frustrated more easy nowadays. I do not know why, and I really do not wish to be like this. I wanted to be nice to my parents, esp my dad, but I just don't know how to show him that I cares for him etc...

I really don't wish to act as another kind of person when I didn't work any more. I don't want because of now, I'm independent, I'd earn money for my own expenses yet showing that big sis attitude towards everyone. I don't wanna that... I'm not that kind of person. Afterall, the breadwinner was my dad.

Sometimes, I had been into wondering. The attitude that I'm showing was it because of the people I mix around with. Sometimes, I discover that I was trying to act the way that my collegues or friends the way the talk, the way they do things. I'm not being natural at all, and I'm not the real me. Why? Why am I like this?

Not that I'm rude to my dad or whatsoever, but he's really damn irritating. Just like what had happened just now. He called me and asked me to eat dinner but but but... didn't he saw me walking out of the room to the kitchen to scoope a bowl of rice? Didn't he? Is just about a few mins ago! I even took the bowl and spoon into the room too, didn't he saw it? Why? I know he cares for me... but please... for my heaven sake, I'm no longer a kid... I'm no longer a child, pls don't treat me as one. I can't tolerate that...

I don't wish to apologies, it's simply useless to me. I had already tried to control my temper and rudeness towards my dad, but I'm still rude to him. The more I control the more obnorxious girl I become. Why? Was I really seeking for revenge? Just being exaggerated...

He didn't care about me when I was a toddler, he scold he beat me with no reasons sometimes too. Why? When I was a kid... 8 or 9yrs old, I greeted him everytime he comes bach home frm work. But he didn't even bother to look at me. I didn't know anything, I even seems so happy when dad came back.

I think back... I'm trying hard to think back. Second brother was a useless chap. But had he ever any how showed his attitude to dad? Had he ever shouted back to dad? Had he? Had he been as rude as me? No... he didn't... but why am I? Why am I like this? I'm feeling very lost... why am I like this? God do u care to tell me?

I'm tired... and I detest to use tired as an explanation or apologies, an excuse why I'm showing this fucking attitude towards everyone. I don't want because of my tiredness, I become like this... my dad was tired too... pls..

Jialin... please be true to yourself... don't ever ever deceive yourself. Always put yourself into other peoples shoes and think before you react can?

I hope I'll luv myself more

20:02

12 May 2005

Blood boiled

Nowadays, it seems lyk I couldn't work fast w/o having Halls (sweet) in my mouth. It was a very nice strong mint sweet, but I gets more thirsty after eating too many at one go and I my throat don't feel comfortable. So guess, starting from tomorrow onwards, I'll try my best not to 've it. Beside, my daily expenses went up $0.70 more. Where can?!!

Didn't had my breakfast this morning, so wasn't feeling hungry until lunch. Amy wasn't here and I guessed she was on MC as she was having running nose yesterday. I'll be here praying for her to be back to pink health soon. Erm, so... I ate alone this afternoon.

Teaches Soe chinese after having my lunch. Haha... her pronouncation was very good, guess I should buy her something to show it as a reward.

Learnt another word from her, "Mi ge la ne nei kim ba" means Good morning. "Mi ge la" can be used as a greeting at any time of the day. Haha... Sama came over to look for us and she asked: "Oh, having lesson arh?" Haha... Hasnah too. She asked: "You go to school again arh?" Haha... then I smile smile only.

Actually I've more to update, but I'm having gastric pain now, so guess update e main issue. That was Ah Yuk showing me her hp pouch, it was doraemon, so cute and so cheap. Haha.. worth to buy it. She asked if I want, cuz she wanted to buy one for me as a memory. Then I told her no lah, cuz pai sey mah. Haha...

Was doing stage one, folding the boxes with JoJo, then her hands kena cutted by the side of the box, sia la, all because of me, too rough already. 5 cuts man! All done by me, haix... really feeling so sorry. Not sure what should I do, wish to buy something for her but not sure what to get. Haix... She liked doraemon too, it was her favourite cartoon, same as me sia. Haha...

Today chased the bus when came out from the factory. Because of the two girls infront of me were walking so slowly, and the traffic light, I missed the bus. Actually, I'm only 3 steps away to the front door, I was at the back of the door and I banged the bus with my bag. But the driver just don't wanna to stop. So sickening right

Then took the next bus. I knew Jenny aunt will mock at me. Haix... so bo bian... so pai sey. She laughted. Haix... nevermind.

Came back home with a damn tiring look. Wonder if anyone discover. Haix... doubt so. Went into the room, windows weren't open for me. Haix... wanna tell mom to help me open the window next time before I reached home, but scare she angry sia. I mean my mood wasn't very good already and stepped into a humid room just makes my blood boils isn't it? When I'm frustrated, a fresh airy room can cool me down a lot. SO why not?

And the dad, I'm really hating him then I can call him go hell. Haix... I didn't said that purposely just now, but I was so tiring and he seems to be blind. Keep asking him to help him out with all those stupid credit card application form. Well, not that I'm very what. But let me tell u guys... tell u ppls, I had help him out with the same old form for 4/5 times... it was the same old form mind u ppl. How can a person won't get frustrated? And definitely I had helped him out the 20 over application forms. Haix... I'm really tired... and I've having gastric pain ow. Who knows and who cares? Haix...

SOmetimes... really feel like ending my life. Nowadays... I don't seems to be the usual me. Haix... I lost my passion for cello again. Perhaps, I'm not... I'm just being too tired to practice. Haix... I'm so useless... and that's why... more often that not, I had the intention to give up cello. Well... don't worry girls... I'll resist.

There're so many things that makes me so stressed up... I detest all that... when I saw it or whatsoever, I gets fed up...

Pimples... more and more on my face... see already feel so upset. Haix... my dad... everyday here pain there pain... same as my mom... haix... saw them like this, none of us seems to be bother. I wish I'd do something, but I'm really exhausted. Not that I've not warn em about thos common disease that they might get when they're old, just tt they can't be bother to listen, esp dad. So what's the point to care about em? My elder brother, everyday, every night go out, then complain work no money, no saving. My second brother, seling those things again. Haix... and myself... so stressed up about so many things. My appeal result, which couse I really wanted to take. My bills... and my diet... had been eating abnormally recently, ang guess that's the reason why I had gastric pain now.

Nah, I'm tired... stop here.

I hope I'll luv myself more

20:21

11 May 2005

Hey was early this morning although turn in late yesterday nite, all thanks to Jo's guy who made me sleep so late.

Left eye was itchy this morning, guess was because of the foundation that I've putted under eye. Luckily, it's okay after the first break, if not I couldn't dare to think how am I going to survive till evening.

Had a heavy breakfast sia, stomach so full! But was hungry before lunch. Sometimes, I do find it weird, the more I ate in the morning, the more hungry I'll be before lunch. Haix... lyk this, I rather don't wanna eat breakfast.

Topped up my ez-link card using the ATM, sia lah, accidentally press $20. Duh! Haix... heart break sia... nevermind, later going to claim...

Thought today Lynn never come again, haha... she came only after lunch. Wa liao... ask her why never come work yesterday she told me that her 2003 leave haven't finish using, that's why. Haha...

Hm... today had been running the new line, but things weren't that smoothly as yesterday. Amy was kinda cute, she was like floating the lane with all the ink catridges! I told her not to do that as it gets stucked very easily. Then she was lyk floating lane 5 and neglected lane 4 and 6. Kanasai, I don't wanna bother about her le. Hasnah took out her legs from her shoes, sia la, smelly sia. Wa lao, both Amy and Jojo had running nose that's why cannot smell how smelly her legs were. HAha... I told Sarinah about it, and she was lyk wanting to walk pass just to smell how smelly her legs were. But when Sarinah walked there, she walked away. Alamak, fated that only me the one who can smell her legs. Shit!

Was so tiring, so lazy to shower, so lazy to practice cello, so lazy to wash clothes, so lazy to do everything. I'm simply just too tired.

Jo, I saw ur mummy. Haha... finally ur aunt recognise me cuz of ur mom introduction. *Bleah*

I hope I'll luv myself more

18:39

10 May 2005

Was so tiring yesterday night, so didn't pack my bag yesterday night. It was so blur of mom's to pack my bag without flipping back to the front. Cuz yesterday my water bottle leak inside, so I flipped it the other way round to let it try, but mom...

Had my breakfast on the way to the bus stop, cuz I was so afraid that I might miss the bus again, luckily today I was early.

Early in the morning, I helped Sama to threw rubbish. Haha... tired man! Hm... then went to take check the goods against the D/O (Delivery Order). Alamak, check until I fed up man! Some couldn't tally just because there're so many D/O that I not even sure whether I had to add up all the D/O or just tally with only one D/O. Haix... even with Sarinah help, I also took a long time to get everythin tally against that. Haix...

Lynn the "manager" wasn't here today. Haha... kinda used to it. She was like either she didn't ocme on Monday or Tuesday. It was like standard, one week only work 3 or 4 days. Haix... same with my second kor. Alamak, why arh?

Had been running the new line since the first tea-break. That was great isn't it? It was so tiring for us, but we still couldn't manage to complete the 7000 ink catridges by 5.30pm. So we've to work OT man! Haha... honestly speaking, was my first OT. Haha... finally earn their $12... Woo Hoo...

Then Soe hubby came to fetch her and we took her lorry back to JP. Haha... spoilt myself with KFC O.R Fillet Burger Set Meal. Haha... wink wink...

Any more to update? Think no more, that's about all for today.

Oh yah... I reached home at 8pm, and had my dinner then I went to shower le. Washed my uniform and some clothes, and came out from the bathroom at 9pm. Alamak, couldn't 've the time to practice cello. Haix... also no room for me. Sianz...

Oh dear, my face had a lot of pimples, kanasai. My face is already so ugly yet still 've so many pimples crawling on my face. Shit shit shit... working there was so dusty. Haix... how I wish I can put up a mask on my face. Haha... sound like what sia. Hm... really very dirty, even inside my nose was blocked and if tissue was used to clean, the tissue was black in colour after a few wipes. Can you imagine it was that dusty?

Hm... so was kinda a promise to myself that I've to wash it with shower soap and then put the pimples cream, wipe it off with tissue and wash it with facial form then put up the toner. Haix... and also not forgetting that I haven't been putting up any lotion to my hands, haix... it seems so dry now. Kanasai...

Tired tired tired...

Oh oh oh ... wait a min, there was a conflict between Jo jo and Ah Yuk. Haix... JoJo was asking whether the box they folded could be pass cuz there seems to be a lot of bended sides. But Ah Yuk showed her the black face, kanasai... then JoJo was having problem at home too, yet she only ask her but she showed that kind of face, haix... shit lah, so sickening of Ah Yuk. Pretending to treat me good only, go hell lah! Tomorrow you will noe what's going to happen. Muhahaha...

Hm... planned to treat JoJo ice milo during lunch but she ordered Soya drink, so I paid for her and drink the ice milo myself, full sia. Haha... I'm not treating her like baby... she was a nice lady afterall...

I hope I'll luv myself more

21:11

09 May 2005

I'm tired, I'm exhausted, I'm dead beat and I'm sleepy! >

The title above best describe my mood now, gonna turn in after finish updating my blog.

This morning was almost late again, luckily me. Haha, if not gonna spent money on something that's not worth to.

Had been doing particians for the whole day! That's great, how I wish I'll be doing partician everyday. Haha... so relaxing job... but was very dusty, until my nose kena block.

Nothing much, but wanted to share with you guys about this two colleagues of mine. One was Lynn "Manager" and another was Hasnah. Both of them had their own "+"s and "-"s. Check it out...

Lynn - Quick temper, two headed snake (sometimes only)

- Humorous, joker...

Hasnah, a vice versa of Lynn, but her temper wasn't very good either, but was much more hard working that Lynn.

If I've to nominate either one as to be my supervisor, who should I choose? A supervisor who always laugh, joke with you but just some how a little quick temper. Or a supervisor who's extremely strict, doens't joke but was much more effieicent... ?

Lynn was doing Sama works this morning, some how, I feel like no matter where I'm, I also let her take advantage of me. Well, I didn't mean anything bad over here. But let's analysis, when I was doing particians at line 2, line 1 people finish using the particians on the pallet, I had to pull out and pass it to line 3 people who's also doing the particians. But when I was in line 3 doing particians and happens to run out of pallet, I've to go to line 1 and pull out the pallet myself. Guess what Lynn said to me? She said: "Chanel, one person cannot do so many things." That's what she say. I know she's trying to explain why she couldn't get the pallet for me, and at the same time I sense the apologization inn this sentenance. But what I'm trying to say was, why Hasnah was able to take the pallet for me but not you? What's happening? Haix...

How I wish Ah Fang will be back soon, cuz only her presence, things happened these few days would be prevented. Haix... Ah Fang where're you, I'm missing you so much...

Hm... seems like I'm too tired to do anything, just practiced an hr plus of cello but already feeling so dead beat... haix...

I'm sleeping... not going to do wash up le... since I showered at 6pm plus...

I hope I'll luv myself more

21:06

08 May 2005

I'm broke during Mother's Day

It was raining heavily when I was about to step out of doorstep to CO. I thought of carrying my umbrella out but I looked at myself with the jacket putted on, carrying one gigantic bag with the cello. I've no more hand to carry the umbrella!

So I walked a big round to the bus stop inorder to prevent myself to caught in the rain and 99 came not long after I reached.

Sms Si Yao when I was in bus, asking her to send someone down to the bus stop to fetch me. Haha, guess who came? Is Darly... haha... so nice of him arh... haha...

When CO practice was about to end, here comes a group of singing group. We accomplish them when they sang "TIAN XIA DE MA MA DOU SHI YI YANG DE", "MA MA HAO" & "YUE LIANG TAI BIAO WO DE XIN". Hm... wondering what's wrong with me, my tears dripped on my cheeks when they're singing the "Tian Xia De Ma Ma Dou Shi Yi Yang De". It really reminds me about the past... when I was a kid... how my mom's loved me so much.

Went to GP to photocopy blank score then bought some snacks at prime and proceded to KFC to buy my lunch. Mom was in seven heaven when I reached home, haha.... cuz her lady boss bought her a cake because today was "Mother's Day". Haha, she was so touched, so happy.

After which, she kept call me to buy ear rings for my 4 pairs of ear holes. Haha, so we went to JP. We were attracted by all the shinning shinning necklace. Wow... mom's keep wanting me to buy, so I choose one which I wanted so much since new year. And thought that mom 'll allow me to use my own money, but didnt, she used her's. Haix... sianz... I wanted to return her back, but she say no need, treat it as this year advance birthday present. Kanasai... I don't want lor. Some more, I kinda regret of choosing this necklace with this pendant. Oh well, no point to be regret of.

Mom went to try one of the Osim product, massage the legs de. I wanted to buy for her, but it was too expensive to me, $588! If it was 300 bucks, I might still 've the money. But it was 500 plus! Haix... so useless of me. But the saleman was a guy with great influence. My mom's was asking if there's any job to introduce for me to work and guess what he replied? Haha... he replied: "Oh, introduce job arh? I thought you wanna ask me introduce guys to your daughter" Haha... my mom's laugh like hell, me too. Haha... sense of humurous isn't he?

Hm... after that went to yellow to buy my ear studs, 4 pairs all the same design, same colour. Sucks, all not nice de lah. Sianz 1/2. Wasted my $16... haha... mom's was saying me stingy. Haha... well, I wanna save up money lah, don't teach me how to spend money like water can or not? Haha...

Then went to 've my dinner with her... then reached home eat the cake again. Wow... so full... until now still cannot sleep although I'm sleepy... tired... dead beat. Haha...

Happy Mother's Day... specially for my dearest mummy...

Mummy, I'd like to grab this golder opportunity to thank you for bringing me up along all these years. Thanks for being so magnanimous towards us when we're utterly rude to you, not showing you any respect. Thanks for being there for me, thanks for the hug that you always given to me when I was feeling down. Thanks for being so understanding to us... you're always there for us... protecting us from everything, never had you beaten me or scolded me along all these 18years. My dearest mummy, guess it must be hard for you. I loved you a zillion... shall you promise me not to leave us behind...

I hope I'll luv myself more

23:55

07 May 2005

Heard from mom that dad's wasn't feeling well this morning. Haix... sianz... both dad's and mom's getting older and so illness are haunting em. What can I do to advise them to do yearly check up?

Had been reading Love for Venus 9 just now, wow... power... very nicely drawn. It was X'mas, everyone was in seven heaven! Woohoo...

Thought of playing The Sims 2, but guess is pretty late. Beside, I'm dead beat man! Haix... 16hrs of sleep indeed is not enough for me when I'm feeling sick. Sianz... going to had my night shower again later before I turn in. Ho... so exhausted.

Tomorrow still 've CO, sianz... elder kor was using my hp, haix... still don't know how to return back to me. Sianz 1/2. Wanna bet, tomorrow he sure will ask me to lend him my phone. Haix... he sold his old one and spend the money away le. Well, I've decided not to lend him money le. If he wanna, I'll give him the $50 as his birthday present. Whatever he loves to spend on, just go ahead, even those things... go ahead. If he had not yet learn from his pass mistake, lesson, then I think he needs an even heavy punishment.

Mom's down-hearted now... and I'm in no mood to care about anyone else.

Take care friends out there...

*Sleepy*

I hope I'll luv myself more

23:06

Am I falling sick?

Wondering am I falling sick, cuz I've actually slept from yesterday till now (10pm-4pm) 16hrs of sleep is really too much for me.

I'm having a slight headache and gastric pain during some of the day. Stomach wasn't feeling good these few days too. Have I eaten anything wrong? Hopefully not...

Just now was half awake when dad's came into my room. Haha... he was totally taken aback why haven't I woke up. Haha... guess Mummy's understand me the most, she told Dad that I might be falling sick. Haha... then I laughted and get back to sleep until now.

Guess I've use to work and when it happens that I've to stay at home due to some public holidays or weekends, I'll fall sick. Sleeping and eating non-stop at home and definitely ends up putting up weights and pimples all over my face.

Hm... if I were to go back to work for 2 days, pimples cured and weights lost. Since work I had lost 3kgs! Wow... that's great... went back to my few years ago weights... but now was much more taller. Wink wink...

Finish reading Love for Venus 8 le. Power! But haven't been practicing from Morning till now cuz I've been sleeping mah... *Bleah*

I hope I'll luv myself more

16:00

Heartbreaks

I've discovered that I had spent $54 since 3 May to this date. My goodness, that was a lot man! Wondering what can I do to control the way I spend money.

Brian counted $20.50 extra for my salary, I'm wondering should I be honest or should I just kept quiet since I'm working lyk hell there.

Yesterday he came and he says on Monday he'll come to let us know whether there's an increment in our salary or not. Well, guess there's... but how much, I'm still not sure. Hopefully per hr rate 'd be $5...

Sianz... so tired...

I hope I'll luv myself more

10:43

06 May 2005

Free lesson

Fianally I got the reason why she was so furious... but I'm not sure whether was it due to this reason: "Don't work so hard lah".

We knocked off... and I was just trying to complete the one that I'm doing earlier on, but who knows that she gets so furious man. Alamak... my fault again. Well, I just wanted to clear up all those stuffs, if not the next day gonna jam all over the place. One more thing, she wasn't running the line what, that's why she called us to stop doing... I know... what to do le...

Today kanasai... not overslept... but just because I ate my breakfast at home, and I missed my bus! Shit... sawing with my own eyes that bus 79 was leaving when I was just about 15 steps away from it. So I quickly ran to POSB to withdraw m0ney before I'd call for a cab. So went to taxi stand after withdrawing out 50 bucks. Luckily the Q was short man, if not guess I gonna be damn late. Goosh...

Hm... taking cab from JP to there, cost me around $5.20... haix... heart pain sia... gotta work an hour or so to cover back my lost... sianz 1/2...

Then it was so kind of Brian... haha... he gave us a free ride back home this evening. Wow... so good of him arh. Haha...

Went to comic connection shop to get Love for venus 8 and 9, after which went to bank in my salary. Then heading back home le.

Hm... guess ah ben leave le... haha... was having a chat with him just now on window messenger, then I went to shower and he left le. Haix... nvm... thought he would wait for me to come back. Well, can't blame him... I'm taking too long... *Bleah*

Tired... so tiring working. Chanel's is happy but not in cloud nine. Haha... Chanel's happy because Lynn and everyone's happy. So Chanel's happy.

Chanel's learnt some Mian ya language from Soe. Wow... her son's took chinese language man! And she has to wake up early in the morning to cook lunch and dinner. Alamak, the food cold already lah... but she has no choice. After reaching home, she has to feed her youngest son's, 2yrs old after which, help his elder son's to do revision until 12 or 1pm. Alamak... felt so envious of her. She was from Mian Dian... yet she learnt both english and chinses herself. Wow... guess I must learnt from her.

Haha... so today... I learnt from her some of her language. Below are some exampls... check it out...

Ni kao la - How are you

Ni kao de - I'm fine

Jie su tin ba teh - Thank you

Ah Yam (a lot) J su tin - Thank you very much

Ju su ba teh - Welcome
Tui ya da one da ba teh - Nice to meet you

Haha... very werid orh? But I'm going to learn man! Haha... one more month for me to learn some more. Haha...

Learnt some malay language from Sarinah too. Haha... ganna lecture by her today arh. Alamak... haha... here's some... check it out..

Selamat Pagi - Gd morning

Selamat Petang/Tengahari - Gd afternn
Selamat Malam - Gd night

Apa Karbar - How are you?
Ah Ku/ Saya (Pronounce as Saye) - I

Ah Awa/ Kao - U

Lapi - Hungry

Saiyang - Love

Dah makan - Have you eaten?

Ar ar - yes

Belum - no

Sini - Here

Sana - There

Ini - This

Itu - That

Aku cinta kamu - I love you

Aku cinta Rimu - I miss you

That's all I learnt... haha.. gonna ask some more...

Nice two teachers I had... *winks*

I hope I'll luv myself more

19:45

04 May 2005

People might says that I'm stupid, I'm navie. But who cares? I love being alone, I love being myself... I detest to be deceive towards myself

At first, I didn't had the courage to tell Sama that I had to leave early for the day. Finally I had the courage to tell her, and I did, my colleagues told me that there would be overtime!

Not that I fancy the $12 for working 2hours of overtime. Is just that I had been taking too many off days last month. In addition, this month we had two additional off days. Just hoping that the $12 would cover my "lost".

Well, when I comes to know that there 'd be an overtime yesterday evening, everything was too late. Again, I'm afraid that Sama would be annoyed by me if I were to told her that I wishes so much to work overtime.

It was so nice of Jenny aunt for telling Sama on my behalf of me that I had decided not to go for SYCO combine practice but to work overtime. And it was kind of Sama... she smiled to me.

But the tragedy comes around 5pm. Andrew walked out from the office and told us that the machine for running the HP ink catridges has broke down. That means we'd 've time to run the current line the next day, and therefore, the OT has been cancelled!

Everyone of us was feeling damn like throwing our shoes on him. Really... especially me. WTF... I left with no choice but to try to reach home asap and I took a cab down to Tanjong Pagar to attend the SYCO combine practice.

It was nice of the taxi driver for giving me two pandadols --> Wrong spelling? Think so... what ever it's, you people know what right? when he overheard what I told Percie on the phone. But it was also so damn fuck of him. Driving me into the carpark of the SCH yet wanting me to pay for the car park charging fees. The amount that I should paid was actually only $15.40 but bcuz he added in the charges... I ended up paying him $17.40

The practice went smoothly, well... he given lotta compliments to us... Haha... winks...

My temper seems to get hots when I reached home. Sigh... perhaps I'm just being too exhausted... oh well... hopefully I'll control my temper and not let the temper control me.

Lynn the "manager" has been very moody recently. She kept saying that she was tired and I hope she's moody because she was tired and not because of any other things.

If I'm not wrong, I had been working there for weeks, but I haven't seen Lynn and her coming down to canteen for lunch. Well, hopefully they had it at somewhere else.

Not sure if I've offeneded her... recently she rarely joke with me. Sometimes, I've been wondering had I done anything wrong when helping Ah Hui aunty. Was it a fault to do fast? Am I was to be blame when they get scolded? Was everything just my faults?

It doesn't matter of what other people look and loves to say about me. But the most important thing is you can't get me wrong...

I don't wish to offend anyone in the factory... and just leave me alone. Don't ever ask me again whether am I getting a double pay than you people. I'm not! I just loves to do things fast.

I'm sincerely sorry if I've offended anyone one in the factory...

I had no more mood to practice cello. Oh well... better buck up tomorrow evening. I'm so tiring... going to sleep le...

Lynn, what has Chanel done wrong this afternoon? Just hope that Chanel is feeling too emotional

I hope I'll luv myself more

20:45

02 May 2005

Mom didn't break her promise, she still remember that she has to accompany to JP to buy my comics, but I knew that she was very tiring, so I told her that I'll go and buy it tomorrow after work. Cuz I wanted to let her rest at home, but still she went out with sis...

Elder kor was wanting to borrow 50 bucks from me this afternoon and mom was so furious when she knew it. Cuz she said he has 100 bucks yesterday but this morning went out then no money le. Mom was so disappointed, she was so weak... her heart has already broken into pieces that no ones can admend it back for her.

I believe she still care about him, and she thinks that someone must 've curse a spell on her son. Keep asking and talking about money wasn't the son she used to 've. She wanted follow him but she afraid that she doesn't know how to come back.

I would 've to admit this, everyone at home keep thinking that he's touching those things again. But I'm different, I didn't look down on him cuz I believe that everyone should 've a chance to had his new life again. I encourage him, I support him for whatever things he wishes to do. He wanted a new handphone, okay... I'm willing to lend him the money.

But the main thing is, he didn't had his own saving. He claims that he didn't 've money to buy this or that yet had the money to go out everyday, every night. That's why.... my mom's so mad at him.

Ever since he came back, his attitude changed. He kept thinking that everyone at home looks down on him. But we didn't... he was the one who said all those werid things... that can't make us to believe that he hasn't been touching those things. His attitude changed... if I'm not wrong... among the four of us (slibings) he has a good nature, same with mummy seldom shows anger etc... but after he came back, he was totally a vice versa...

I'm glad that I didn't went out with mom. Cuz second kor told me something: "Why must everyone of you left me alone?". My tears almost dropped did anyone know. I can understand how he's feeling right now. His gf just left him not long ago, he's regretted now but what's the point. Not that she didn't gave him any chances at all, is just that he didn't cherish all that. He thinks he could easily forgets her and she'll be the one suffering but now the actually fact was the other way round.

I know is difficult, is tough to forget someone whom you truly loved for 2 years plus. But she really do not 've any more tears to drop for you any more. She has been hurted too many times... a true love is to see the one you love being happy everyday. No point being together yet quarreling everyday...

Second kor told me lots more things about he and she after they broke off. Sigh... i feel so sad for him. I didn't comment much, I do not know how should I console him. I don't wanna him touch those things to deceive himself. Pls... I trust you so much...

Hopefully elder kor do the same things as second kor. Don't feel any uncomfortable with me, cuz I'm your sister... we're one family aren't we? Share your problems k? I might not be able to help, but at least I'm there to listen. And at least you felt much more better when sharing out.

Tears showering my heart...

I hope I'll luv myself more

18:33

Actually didn't wanna come online but mom's was sleeping on my bed, so nothing much else that I can do in the middle of the night right? So 've been thinking of something...

First and foremost, I'd like to list down things that are pending for my action according to their importances.

Bring mom's to had her blood test taken
Call up the retail shop that I've bought the printer from for maintenance

Oh well, everyone saw it? There are only 2 important tasks I've to do. Well, there're some more, is just that, once I wanted to get them listed, I forgotten almost everything. Oh well, is okay.

Wanted to get some of the things from my wishlist. That's to buy Love for venus 8 & 9 tomorrow (if mom kept her promise to accompany me to JP). Maybe also taking a look at some MP3 that I had been eyeing for months!

I had been asking myself why do I need a MP3 player? Was it because I wanted to save my favourite track into MP3 player? Or was it because I really wanted to use it to save my project works (So sry, I'm wanting to get that type mp3 player cum thumbdrive)?

What's the purpose of getting a personal cello? In my own opinion, more or less getting a personal cello is always the better choice than having to borrow one from school or blcc. Beside, I've already graduate and also, school lack of cello too. Is kinda shameless to keep borrowing it from school right? And now, guess my standard (not v high) but at least still need a better cello. But if I were really to get one myself, will I give up half way? Will I? I'm really scare that I'd give up half way down...

A personal lappy... do I really need them? No... but having a lappy is real nice you know? Carrying to everywhere you like. Haha... then can do everything such as updating my blog on my bed (I mean using the lappy to update but sitting on my bed instead of computer chair). After finish close it and put it beside me and sleep with me. And also sleeping with my discman and handphone, files and lotta more... haha...

Well, I always do things till half way and I sleep without tidying them. I'll just leave everything on my bed no matter was it a book, pencil, notes, handphone, files, bag, purse or whatsoever... I can sleep together with million of my stuffs... haha... mom just couldn't stand me...

I thought of wanting to play The Sims 2 but I'm really tired... so sleepy... but at the same time, I don't bear to wake my mom's up although she's half asleep only. Haha... nevermind...

Hope to editing my blog skin for my true world, and also play the sims 2...

I hope I'll luv myself more

00:14